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If the Mr. Right guy you’re married to presented himself as an absolutely charming, sensitive, I-Would-Die-For-You-Baby from day one, minute one, and he’s turned into the leading man your marital bad dream–and somehow, get this: it’s all your fault that he’s no longer that guy . . . press the pause button right now. First, ask yoursef: Is it really ALL your fault?

Now Read This:

1. Normalizing the Insane

He’s thrown objects at you, or the wall, and he says it’s perfectly understandable, considering how much you stress him out. He’s inserts himself into your relationships with others, forming tricky little triangles that he can and does control (and sometimes puts an end to) and suggests that he’s the only one who really cares about you, pointing out the flaws in your judgement, it’s possible that you’re married to a malignant narcissist.

2. Disqualifying Boundaries

Let’s say for example, you’re a young bride who felt you had the right to refuse to keep alcohol in your home. Let’s just say, you came from a long-line of tavern dwellers and folks with alcohol issues and you were hell-bent on not repeating your family’s history. You could reasonably decide that you didn’t want alcohol brought into your home–even if you’d been known to drink in your younger years. If your new spouse decided, after hearing your reasons, that you and those reasons are idiotic, hypocritical, narrow minded, or just plain stupid and controlling–and for those reasons, you should just get over yourself (and your damn boundaries) and live how he wants to live, damn it! And eventually, you agree to tell yourself his story instead of your own because everything he said sounds possible, and therefore, more valid. If this resonates with you, you might be dealing with a malignant narcissist.

3. It’s All Your Fault . . .

Here’s a top-seller:

“If you weren’t such a  F$%*#&@  B%@*! I wouldn’t get so pissed! You’re the only person who makes me this mad! What the hell is wrong with you, [optional: insert more profanity]?!”

If that sounds a little harsh and low-rent, it’s because it is.  Just know that this dance can start slow and smooth and give you whiplash before you feel the jerk. Have you ever bought the blame like it was a bargain (or at least reasonably priced)?

“I’ve only ever cheated on you because you really don’t care about my needs anymore. You’re always too tired, sick, or nagging me right out of the mood. Remember when we were driving to Scottsdale and you were being such a prude that you ruined our honeymoon? With all your hangups, and how you’ve let yourself go–any normal guy would do that. You’re unbelievable. What the hell do you expect me to do?”

I hope neither of these, nor any version of them sounds familiar to you, but here’s the bottom line: If he blames his reactions and bad behavior on you and refuses to be accountable for his part in any situation, you might be dealing with a malignant narcissist.

4. I Love You I Hate You.

Have you just been everything all at once to him, “the perfect” this or the “most” that? I mean the good stuff. Did you spend a little time (even a few minutes) feeling like you were the queen on the pedestal and on the next page of this scarytale, you’re a crazy, lazy, cheatin’ whore who turned into a terrible mother since last week? If he flips between idealizing you and despising you, you might be tangled up with a malignant narcissist.

5. Is This Crazy, or is it Just Me?

Have you questioned your own sanity lately? Have you ever just wanted a second opinion . . . you know, to just call up a girlfriend (or a police officer, or a psychiatrist)–just for their take on what just happened between you and your husband? How do you even begin to tell them about the scene you walked into, right after work, when your artist husband presents you with a paper mache sculpture made from porn magazine pages he shredded in your kitchen blender. You know, as an offering . . . a monument, really, to symbolize his commitment to respect your right to refuse to have pornographic magazines in your family home, just to ask if this sounds crazy . . . or if it’s just you? (And, just as an aside, the magazines had already been replaced by internet porn, but he’s really in the normal spectrum because, “All guys do that,” and besides,”You really are getting fat.” ). If you find yourself questioning the normalcy of your interactions with your husband, and beginning to feel as though you’re ashamed to tell anyone, or that you’re just overreacting, you might be wrastlin’ a malignant narcissist.

So, how can you tell if your husband is a malignant narcissist?

The short answer is, you might already know–but you can’t prove it, and we’re not qualified to render a clinical diagnosis. The truth of the matter is, it doesn’t matter what you call it, it’s that you can recognize the telltale pattern when you see it and you can learn what to do for yourself. Many women who have traveled the journey know everything about what it means to re-claim themselves. They do it every-single-day, and they would tell you:

The best way out is to keep walking in the direction of your Truth.

The good news is, your Truth won’t give up on you.

And here’s some more good news: The Truth is, you know what you know. You are what you are, not what they say you are.

The best news is, you can start untangling any time.

 


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